I hate falling out with people ....

Yesterday I fell out with one of the best friends that I have ever had. Or at least I think that we have fallen out. We are not really talking at the moment, just a few odd words here and there over MSN. And we have fallen out over something so pathetic and stupid that it is unbelievable, yet neither of us can back down.

He (lets call him T) has become friends with an old friend, an ex if you can call it that. A fuck buddy without the fucking. This girl (lets call her K) hurt me with some of her actions, it wasn't just her, but it hurt all the same. What did she do? She shared a comment about me that had been said to her by T, in confidence, in front of a group of people, about something personal and it has been playing on my mind and making me worry ever since. Anyway, T fell out with K, in April, when he realised that, amongst other things, she was just feeding him a pack of lies, about how she was going to leave her boyfriend for him, but only after she started university in September (their "relationship" was in December/January). Now she has been dumped by her boyfriend, she has supposedly changed and he is now friends with her. This is from T, who couldn't "trust her as far as he could throw her" a few weeks ago.

The stupid thing is that I know how much of a bad judge of character T is and I am so scared of him being hurt by her manipulation again. I sincerely hope that K has changed for the better so that he is not hurt again, but I am not convinced. Yet I also know that it is not my place to interfere in his business, but it is so hard to watch a friend "digging their own grave" and knowing that you cannot do a thing about it.

I love him and I miss him, but I know that if I said that to him then he would run a mile. I also think that he is not prepared to regain the friendship with me until I become "friends" with the K, something I am not prepared to do. It is such a childish, petty squabble, and I wish that I could make him see where I am coming from and that I could understand where he is coming from so that we can find some common ground.

The "argument" has made me spiral back into depression again. I feel like I felt six months ago, when I am sure that I had a nervous breakdown or at least exhibited a number of symptoms of a nervous breakdown, albeit not a big one. I will write about what happened at some point, I am not ready to yet ... it is all still quite raw at the moment.

I know that I will look back on this year from some point in the future and I will think "you pathetic silly little girl" but at the moment everything is up in the air. I don't know if we will ever be friends again, and that scares me. I feel incomplete, not knowing whether we are there for each other. Maybe the time apart will make the friendship stronger, I suppose that is something that only time can tell, but I hope that it doesn't go on for much longer. I cannot cope without him in my life for much longer.

I miss the good times.