If I don't write this, nobody else will - the life of Annie, a 23 year old girl from England.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Feeling low ...

I have been feeling low for the past few days. Life just seems to be getting too much at the moment ... I am starting to think that I will not be able to cope for much longer.

I am starting to think that I just shouldn't like people. The last few people (but at times it seems like all of them) that I have fancied have been "pulled" or also fancied by my friends. I suppose, at least, I can live in the knowledge that I have taste, but when I am also so desperate to get involved with someone, it doesn't help a great deal. I suppose the right person for me will come along when the time is right ... either that or I should settle for a life of lonliness and celebacy :(

Tomi is also going to Durham tomorrow to see his sister. As stupid as it sounds, it is the first time that I have gone without seeing him at least once a week (often more) for about the last 18 months. I realised tonight that I love him. I love him so, so much. He is one of the best friends that I have ever had and I am starting to realise how stupid I have been by trying to push him away. I am just not that used to being close to someone, it is alien to me. I hope that the break will do us some good, that when he gets back we will be able to start again on better terms. I hope we will be able to put the past behind us. That sounds like we are having a romantic relationship! Nah, tis just friendship, just a friendship that is being put through it's paces at the moment.

I can't understand why I feel the way that I do about things at the moment. I think that it is one of those times where each individual thing is not a big deal but when they all happen together, they become a big deal and feel overwhelming. Just so much going on at the moment.

I'm going to go and try to get some sleep now. I think that is a part of my problem, I am too tired and run down. Anyway, night night!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Safe and sound!

I have just had a phone call from my mum. Her and Tomi got to Telford safe and sound at about 10pm, which is great. I still wish that I was with them, but I know that that is totally impossible now :(

Ah well ... I'm determined to have fun here!!! I'm gonna play some games - Pogo.co.uk here I come!!!

All by myself ...

I am feeling a bit out of sorts tonight. My mum is going to Telford, with Tomi, to pick up a friend and I am staying at home. I know that it should be exciting, being left home alone, and in a way it is, but I am also feeling really scared. Since dad died it has basically been both of us on our own and, apart from when I went to New York for a week in March, we have seen each other at least once a day. I know that it is pathetic, a grown woman depending so heavily on her mother, but she is the only person who I trust at the moment. I know it will all be ok, but it doesn't stop me from feeling jittery.

Anyway, we went out last night, to karaoke as we usually do on a Friday night. This week we took my aunts as one of them was visiting and we thought that it would be enjoyable. I think that they enjoyed themselves, but they didn't seem to get into it that much. The only problem was that "the bitch" turned up, but it wasn't so bad as I managed to blank her for the whole night.

I had my nails done on Friday as well. They look really good. I love my hands when I have my nails done. They make my fingers look so much longer (and I have short, stubby fingers!!) and my hands don't look so tatty. So thank you to Kylie who bought them for me as a present. It is much appreciated.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

4 years?

Completely off topic but I have just been reading through the old posts on here and I realised that in 9 days it will be 4 years since my first post. Seems so long ago, yet in other ways it doesn't seem that far in the past. My ramblings were also not as diabolical as I thought they were ... strange!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I hate falling out with people ....

Yesterday I fell out with one of the best friends that I have ever had. Or at least I think that we have fallen out. We are not really talking at the moment, just a few odd words here and there over MSN. And we have fallen out over something so pathetic and stupid that it is unbelievable, yet neither of us can back down.

He (lets call him T) has become friends with an old friend, an ex if you can call it that. A fuck buddy without the fucking. This girl (lets call her K) hurt me with some of her actions, it wasn't just her, but it hurt all the same. What did she do? She shared a comment about me that had been said to her by T, in confidence, in front of a group of people, about something personal and it has been playing on my mind and making me worry ever since. Anyway, T fell out with K, in April, when he realised that, amongst other things, she was just feeding him a pack of lies, about how she was going to leave her boyfriend for him, but only after she started university in September (their "relationship" was in December/January). Now she has been dumped by her boyfriend, she has supposedly changed and he is now friends with her. This is from T, who couldn't "trust her as far as he could throw her" a few weeks ago.

The stupid thing is that I know how much of a bad judge of character T is and I am so scared of him being hurt by her manipulation again. I sincerely hope that K has changed for the better so that he is not hurt again, but I am not convinced. Yet I also know that it is not my place to interfere in his business, but it is so hard to watch a friend "digging their own grave" and knowing that you cannot do a thing about it.

I love him and I miss him, but I know that if I said that to him then he would run a mile. I also think that he is not prepared to regain the friendship with me until I become "friends" with the K, something I am not prepared to do. It is such a childish, petty squabble, and I wish that I could make him see where I am coming from and that I could understand where he is coming from so that we can find some common ground.

The "argument" has made me spiral back into depression again. I feel like I felt six months ago, when I am sure that I had a nervous breakdown or at least exhibited a number of symptoms of a nervous breakdown, albeit not a big one. I will write about what happened at some point, I am not ready to yet ... it is all still quite raw at the moment.

I know that I will look back on this year from some point in the future and I will think "you pathetic silly little girl" but at the moment everything is up in the air. I don't know if we will ever be friends again, and that scares me. I feel incomplete, not knowing whether we are there for each other. Maybe the time apart will make the friendship stronger, I suppose that is something that only time can tell, but I hope that it doesn't go on for much longer. I cannot cope without him in my life for much longer.

I miss the good times.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Long time, no write ...

It seems like every time that I want to write something here, it is always about how I have not written anything in ages!!!

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote here. (I say that all the time!!)

For the past few weeks we have been staying with a friend. Just house sitting and stuff. We went there one weekend and haven't left since!!

Still job hunting, no luck yet, but hopefully something will crawl out of the woodwork soon.