Law?

Hello all.

It has been a long time since I wrote, again.

I am due to be starting my law course on the 5th February. I am doing W100 with the Open University. This is really not where I expected to be at this point in my life, but it feels right. All of my materials have arrived and I have started to have a read through the textbooks, completing the activities and things. I hope I will get on ok. I should do if I can set my mind to it and work hard.

Anyway, that is all for now. Will keep you all posted with how the course is going.

A long time (again)

God, it's been ages since I last wrote here and so much has happened. Where to begin?

Firstly, I passed my driving test. Not sure if I mentioned this before but I did on 13/02/2008, so this year I have been driving for two years (legally :p)

Secondly, I am still not friends with T and K, but I think that my life is better for it. I feel like a better person and I am getting on with things that I want to do. In the time since I last wrote I have fallen out with some other people who were in my life, however I have started to feel like it was for the better and it is my life's way of "cleansing" (for want of a better word) those that are draining me and not letting me be whom I want to be.

Third, I still have my laptop computer, nearly four years old. It's not as new and as technically advanced as it used to be. In fact, I think that it is on its last legs.

I also got a job, in August last year. I work in an office in town as their administration apprentice, which means that I am working towards an NVQ level 2 as well as working. Fingers crossed, but the opportunities look good there as they are talking about keeping me on as a co-ordinator once I have completed my qualification.

The car is dead again! Well, not 100% dead, but needs work to get it through it's MOT. Looking to get that done in the near future. At least I have wages behind me this time to get it fixed, albeit not that much!

I also cannot remember if I said here but in January 2008 I went to New York. I loved it. I still want to go back there. I am going to start saving and go on a holiday there when I can afford to. I liked the way that I felt anonymous there and no-one new me. It is so different to the town where I live where when you go out, you always seem to bump into someone that you know. I really do feel that New York is the home of my spirit, I have always felt drawn there and I have just remembered the hours that I would spend in the college library looking at the guidebooks for New York, looking at the pictures, wishing that one day I would find myself there, surrounded by the bright lights. Maybe one day I will again. Maybe one day I will live there.

Anyway, I need to go now as lunch is ready. This is just something that I have thrown together in about 10 mins, so if it makes no sense please do excuse me! I will write again soon, I promise and hopefully it will not be so long until then (I hope not as I need somewhere to offload again).

An impromptu trip to Wales and a broken down car :(

I haven't written this for ages, I have been meaning to, but I just have been struggling to get to the computer for a few days!!!

Yes, it's true, I broke yet another car. I don't think that me and vehicles get on very well.

I'm pissed off, can't write anymore ... write again soon.

I need to talk to somebody :(

I hate it when you get the feeling that you need to talk to somebody, but there is no one around to talk to, or something keeps getting in the way of being able to talk to them.

Like this evening, I waited to talk to my mum about some issues that I am having at the moment and she responded with what felt like a flippant response. I think that part of it is that I have trouble explaining how I am feeling, but saying that it is not that big a deal does not automatically change it and make me feel like that too. Then she fell asleep. Maybe I am being unreasonable about it, but I feel like I need to talk about it, but when I get the chance to, something always gets in the way and stops me from being able to ... I suppose it will all sort itself out in the end if it is meant to.

Anyway, Halloween was kinda fun. We had a party with the members of the group. I started to feel low in the middle of it and so I went and sat out the back. People didn't know where I had gone so there was a search for me. Then I started to cry and I let out a lot of my emotions that I have been keeping bottled in for a while. It was quite good to let it out, I suppose. It just comes back to the talking thing and I often find that when I am in the situation where I feel so low, I cannot talk about how I am feeling, which often makes me feel worse.

Anyway, I have just noticed the time ... bed time!!!

Feeling low ...

I have been feeling low for the past few days. Life just seems to be getting too much at the moment ... I am starting to think that I will not be able to cope for much longer.

I am starting to think that I just shouldn't like people. The last few people (but at times it seems like all of them) that I have fancied have been "pulled" or also fancied by my friends. I suppose, at least, I can live in the knowledge that I have taste, but when I am also so desperate to get involved with someone, it doesn't help a great deal. I suppose the right person for me will come along when the time is right ... either that or I should settle for a life of lonliness and celebacy :(

Tomi is also going to Durham tomorrow to see his sister. As stupid as it sounds, it is the first time that I have gone without seeing him at least once a week (often more) for about the last 18 months. I realised tonight that I love him. I love him so, so much. He is one of the best friends that I have ever had and I am starting to realise how stupid I have been by trying to push him away. I am just not that used to being close to someone, it is alien to me. I hope that the break will do us some good, that when he gets back we will be able to start again on better terms. I hope we will be able to put the past behind us. That sounds like we are having a romantic relationship! Nah, tis just friendship, just a friendship that is being put through it's paces at the moment.

I can't understand why I feel the way that I do about things at the moment. I think that it is one of those times where each individual thing is not a big deal but when they all happen together, they become a big deal and feel overwhelming. Just so much going on at the moment.

I'm going to go and try to get some sleep now. I think that is a part of my problem, I am too tired and run down. Anyway, night night!

Safe and sound!

I have just had a phone call from my mum. Her and Tomi got to Telford safe and sound at about 10pm, which is great. I still wish that I was with them, but I know that that is totally impossible now :(

Ah well ... I'm determined to have fun here!!! I'm gonna play some games - Pogo.co.uk here I come!!!

All by myself ...

I am feeling a bit out of sorts tonight. My mum is going to Telford, with Tomi, to pick up a friend and I am staying at home. I know that it should be exciting, being left home alone, and in a way it is, but I am also feeling really scared. Since dad died it has basically been both of us on our own and, apart from when I went to New York for a week in March, we have seen each other at least once a day. I know that it is pathetic, a grown woman depending so heavily on her mother, but she is the only person who I trust at the moment. I know it will all be ok, but it doesn't stop me from feeling jittery.

Anyway, we went out last night, to karaoke as we usually do on a Friday night. This week we took my aunts as one of them was visiting and we thought that it would be enjoyable. I think that they enjoyed themselves, but they didn't seem to get into it that much. The only problem was that "the bitch" turned up, but it wasn't so bad as I managed to blank her for the whole night.

I had my nails done on Friday as well. They look really good. I love my hands when I have my nails done. They make my fingers look so much longer (and I have short, stubby fingers!!) and my hands don't look so tatty. So thank you to Kylie who bought them for me as a present. It is much appreciated.

4 years?

Completely off topic but I have just been reading through the old posts on here and I realised that in 9 days it will be 4 years since my first post. Seems so long ago, yet in other ways it doesn't seem that far in the past. My ramblings were also not as diabolical as I thought they were ... strange!